Shit Crystal Says

A blog dedicated to the unintentionally brilliant (and sometimes not so brilliant) things my best friend Crystal says.

Okay, two things; one, I don’t know how to turn the sprinklers off. Second, my vagina fell asleep.

  • Crystal: [had been carrying a blanket for a couple of weeks]
  • Andy: Wow, Crystal, you really like that blanket. Mom says you look like Linus from Peanuts.
  • Crystal: Hey, I'm not dirty!
  • Crystal: What's the difference between a babushka and a bat mitzvah?
  • Kylie: Well, a bat mitzvah is a Jewish coming-of-age ceremony for girls, and a babushka can either mean a Russian headscarf or a Russian word for grandma. Why?
  • Crystal: Aww, now I feel dumb. Hayden told me he was going to a bat mitzvah earlier and just a second ago I told him "Have fun at the babushka!"

No, I will never date an Asian. I am DONE with ching chong.

—Crystal on dating Asians

Look! On the horizon! It’s a Hannukah!

—in reference to a particularly glowy building

What’s turkey bacon? Is that the one with the ham?